Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
