when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
