If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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