I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
