When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
