the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
