So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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