She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
