You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
