He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
