Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize