Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
