tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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