She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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