hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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