Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
