Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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