Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize