Already got asked if we're dating
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
