I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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