If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize