I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
