I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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