I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
