This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
