This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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