Well douche your snatch and let's go!
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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