what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize