Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
