I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I had to cum in my sink.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
