You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
