Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
