God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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