By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
