Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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