He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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