You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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