I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
