I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
