i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
