Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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