I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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