Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
