Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
