when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
