She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The beer is more important than you right now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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