come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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