I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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