I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
