pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
