I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You are the jesus of drinking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
