I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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