Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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