Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I can't turn off my feet"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
