am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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