woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm getting married
To pizza
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
