I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize