Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
